09 December 2010

What (Not) to Wear - Lessons I've Learned - the hard way...

This week's State Department Weekly Blog Round-Up is hosted by Lauren at Adventuresin.wordpress.com.  Her theme for the Round-Up is What (Not) to Wear.  Well, I have learned quite a few, and at times humiliating, lessons on this subject.  As I tell my kids, "Learn from my mistakes!"

Lesson #1 - Start your day with a bra

Norwegian Viking without all the facial hair
     Seems like a simple lesson, and yet one that I've not fully learned.  If you are a man, then no problem.  If you are a man and need a bra, then you have bigger (pun intended) issues!  I home school our two kids so a lot of days I'm in my lounge wear (aka sweats).  As the aforementioned lounge wear may indicate, it is a comfortable style.  In order to be comfortable, you need to be loose and relaxed.  Can anyone honestly be loose and relaxes wearing such a torturous device as a bra?  I say Hell to the NO!  So as recently as our arrival here in Norway, as I'm conducting lessons, in our apartment at which no one knows us, the door bell rings.  Shit!  I am very comfortable and now I have to answer the door.  Looking like a total and utter slob!  I know it's not my husband,  he would have used the key.  So I answer the door, cross my arms, and there is the most handsome (think tall Norwegian Viking without all the facial hair) plumber working on the apartment downstairs.  There is a leak and he needs to check our bathroom.  So after a quick check of our plumbing, he says the leak comes from the apartment upstairs, thank you and leaves.  Meanwhile my face is eight shades of red and my kids think this is funny!

Lesson #2 - Make sure your zipper in good working order BEFORE you leave the house

     When in Iceland, my husband and I were invited to the Norway Day celebration hosted by the Norwegian Ambassador and her husband.  We had a sitter, were dressed up and planning on a grown up night after the celebration.  I had on the perfect LBD which fit me to a tee, new black pumps, and all the accessories!  We arrive on time, check our coats, and are standing in the receiving line when the person behind me tapped me on the shoulder.  Lucky for me, it was a friend with the most embarrassing news.  My zipper had unzippered from the bottom up!  The only thing holding my dress together was the zipper at the top tooth!  Yikes!  My friend was gracious enough to walk - directly - behind me to the ladies' room and she tried to fix the dress.  She was able to get the zipper closed, but it required removing the dress.  Once I was redressed, I kept my back to the wall the entire time!  I made my husband walk - directly - behind me when we left.  The dress stayed together until I lifted my arm to put my coat on!  Then the zipper let loose and thankfully there was a hook-and-eye at the top, but at least at that point I was well covered!

Lesson #3 - When wearing elastic wasted pants, make sure the elastic is still stretchy

     This was a lesson I learned when I was in 5th grade, but I was sufficiently humiliated to learn the lesson quickly!  I had this fabulous purple pant suit that I loved, loved, loved. Yes it was the 70s, so purple pant suits were all the rage!  Well any way, I was standing in the hallway outside my classroom reaching up, just so, to put something on the shelf above my coat, when...bam! - the waistband on my pants let go and they ended up on the floor around my ankles!  Just as the classes were letting out and the kids were streaming into the hall, there I was (thankfully I learned the Always Wear Clean Underwear lesson earlier) in all my cotton Carters glory!  Yes, for the rest of the year I was that girl...

Lesson #4 - White bathing suits, even when lined, are not for swimming

     White + Water = All loss of Modesty!  Enough said!

Lesson #5 - Always wear underpants

     This goes hand-in-hand with Always Wear Clean Underpants.  And while it is a lesson I've always followed, this is a perfect of example of why!  My now mother-in-law was always asking me if I wanted to try on her wedding dress for when I got married.  This was before I was engaged to her son, so I always politely demurred.  Within 24 hours of getting engaged, however, she was not to be deterred and I had the dress on!  She did allow me the privacy of leaving the room while I got into the dress, but as soon as I opened the door in she came.  All of a sudden the back of the dress comes up and over my head!  There I am with my butt in my soon to be mother-in-law's face as she is trying to tell/show me how to tie the bustle!  As I'm dying from embarrassment, all I can think is Thank God I am wearing full coverage granny panties, and that I hadn't eaten anything that disagreed with me.  My now husband couldn't understand the reason for the squawking.  When he came into the room he just thought it was hilarious!  And I still married him!  In her wedding dress.  Yes, with appropriate under garments. 


  1. I've had the bra incident happen to me a time or two also. Bras are just no fun when you are hanging around the house!! :)

  2. That is hilarious! I would have been mortified with #5! :)

  3. You are as funny on blog as you are in the flesh my dear. Thank you for today's giggle...and last nights!

  4. These are hilarious (and ever so helpful)! I have a similar story from 4th grade about a failed skirt closure issue. Have a great day!

  5. Loved these! Esp. the elastic one. Had a half slip that was losing its elasticity that I wore to my brother's wedding. It ended up getting kicked under a table with a long table cloth when it slipped off.
    And on #5. Wow.

  6. It's Friday and that means the weekly Blog Round-Up is here, and you're on it:


    If you'd like me to remove the link, let me know.